Social self-help

Joseph Reagle

Our question(s)

How does the analytic style and high-tech context affect our relationships and our expectations for its “management”?

Cognitive styles

a way of taking in and processing data; it’s a persistent personal attribute that is seen in patterns of thinking and behavior… Intuitive thinking tends toward a larger, holistic view and relies upon the integration of intuition, feelings, and context. Systematic thinking seeks patterns and makes use of rules. (Reagle 2019)

Agile parenting

Agile programming – for your family

The job

My job is to prepare my kids to become accomplished adults. So what better way to do that than to help them become a part of the team, set personal goals and to be held accountable. (jnucci 2015)

  1. Weekly Family Meetings
  2. Awesome Points
  3. AM/PM Checklists

Weekly Family Meetings

  1. Opening
    1. What worked well for the family this week?
    2. What did not work so well for the family this week?
    3. What are we going to work on this coming week?
  2. Share your work
  3. Life lessons; or building family values statement

Awesome Points

We celebrate AWESOMENESS in our house!

Goal: 20 Tickets. The ticket holder gets to pick a family outing

  • Stefany: operant conditioning
  • Ryan: parental validation and techniques
  • Jocelyn: intra-family competitiveness

AM/PM Checklists

checklist

The girls both have a clipboard with two sheets of paper attached, one with AM checklist items and one with PM checklist items.

The Quantified Relationship

Dating app problems?

Apps now mediate our relationships

  1. sex tracking: Spreadsheets app, SexTracker, SexKeeper, Nipple, & Nice Tracker
  2. romance tracking: Couplete, Avocado, Couple.me, and Between
  3. surveillance: Loving-Couple Essential, LoveByte; more blatantly sinister apps, like Flexispy (DanaherNyholmEarp 2018, p. 5-6)
  • Mia: on “the relationship status quo is nonideal.”

For each of the eight objections, what were the authors’ response and do you agree?

1. Inefficiency

The apps/technologies encourage us to focus on the right things, but they aren’t very effective in getting us to change our behavior. (DanaherNyholmEarp 2018, p. 11)

  • an empirical question: reasonable to assume they are effective in changing behavior, but can also be ineffective

2. Measurement-management

The apps/technologies change our behavior, but this is problematic because they get us to focus on the wrong things. They emphasize quantity over quality; they are reductive. (DanaherNyholmEarp 2018, p. 12)

  • evidence of a “troublingly masculinized view” of “good”;
  • two versions
    • contingent focusing on the wrong thing;
    • inherently problematic regardless of focus
  • used in ways that are naïve, misleading, inappropriate and distracting, thoughtlessly
  • Tommy: reminiscent of Winter and goals to be sweet to girlfriend

3. Informal-reciprocation

By quantifying and gamifying our relationship data, the apps/technologies encourage us to shift to formal, exchange-based models of relationships. Healthy relationships are not built on this model; they are built around informal reciprocation. (DanaherNyholmEarp 2018, p. 13)

  • the expressive meaning of behavior is variable and contingent
  • partners can create their own private and symbolic languages, or make it work
  • Raigan: “winning” is harmful

4. Mutual trust

By encouraging partners to track information about each other (sometimes covertly) the apps/technologies corrode the mutual trust that is needed for a well-functioning relationship. (DanaherNyholmEarp 2018, p. 14)

  • surveillance could be used in a productive way, as a gesture of good faith and commitment
  • but there also the risks of abusive and domineering personalities

A three-part stance

  1. little justification for covert surveillance,
  2. must be done with respect for autonomy, agency, and consent
  3. the remaining risks of abuse should be addressed through other avenues including investigation and prosecution

5. Instrumental vs intrinsic value

encourage an instrumental view of the value of love… to see the benefits of a well-functioning relationship in terms of health and well-being, not in terms of qualities that are intrinsic to the relationship itself. (DanaherNyholmEarp 2018, p. 15)

  • intrinsic and instrumental values can live side-by-side in intimate relationships
  • need to be careful about how gamification and focus on “winning”

6. Gendered relationship

The apps/technologies reinforce problematic gender roles/stereotypes within relationships, and may be especially harmful to women. (DanaherNyholmEarp 2018, p. 15)

  • could be used to help reduce or reverse gender-based problems if formal exchange helps
  • “these warrant a stance of constant vigilance towards apps and services”

7. Neoliberalization

The apps feed into the neoliberal political project. They prioritize individual responsibility over systemic change, thereby ignoring or suppressing the fact that good relationships depend upon well-functioning communities and other contextual supports. (DanaherNyholmEarp 2018, p. 16)

  • could increase the social/community oriented aspects of relationships, such as revealing the hidden problems of domestic abuse
  • Tommy: good definition

8. Privacy

The information that is tracked, logged, and quantified by these apps/technologies poses a threat to privacy. (DanaherNyholmEarp 2018, p. 17)

[the authors punt]

Superhuman Social Skills

Context

A sequel to Make Her Chase You: Your Guide to Creating a Magnetic Personality (Tynan 2007, “Make her chase you”).

Deep down inside, you are someone that girls like. Unfortunately, you have learned some ridiculous habits which are preventing them from realizing that they like you. When you finally learn this, it’s as if you just noticed you had red slippers. It was a long journey, and all you had to do was click your heels the whole time. (Tynan 2007, “Make her chase you”, p. 8)

Superhuman Goals

becoming the very best person you can be, maximizing what you have to offer others

learn the art of conversation and how to share the best parts of you in an honest and authentic way; how to make new friends, and how to be the kind of friend that people want to have; how to build a group of friends with whom you’ll share support, quality time, and love. (Tynan 2015)

  • Grey: appreciated social tips
  • Serena: “condescending and almost derogatory”
  • Maria: “at the expense of the reader’s personal essence”

Self-reliance

become self-reliant enough to only impose when necessary and building such a sufficiently robust group of close friends that it’s virtually impossible to overdraw on the friendship bank. (Tynan 2015)

Reminds me a bit of:

You are the average of the five people you most associate with. (Ferriss in Robinson 2017)

Social skills can be developed

Although we use the phrase “social skill”, we treat social skills more like a mystic inborn force than an actual practicable skill.

The tools we use … are self-awareness, situational awareness, good communication skills, and an understanding of humor, empathy, and social dynamics. (Tynan 2015)

Manipulation?

In this book, I will be unabashedly analytical, examining and quantifying aspects of social skills that are usually not spoken about. We’ll talk about power dynamics, our value as friends, opportunity cost, and efficient use of time.

Some find these topics unpalatable, or even offensive, but it’s hard to make a better sausage if you don’t take a look at what’s going inside the factory. (Tynan 2015)

Four channels

Conveying value

The value you’re trying to convey is attributes about yourself that make you an interesting and pleasant person. You want to build intrigue without conveying arrogance, and demonstrate that you are socially adept, non-needy, and will be an asset to the person or group with whom you’re interacting. (Tynan 2015)

ex. Alternatives??

Tynan is speaking to a specific type of person within specific ideology.

Find an online example of social self-help that is as different as you can.

Conclusion

Wrap up

Write down three bullets to today’s question: How does the analytic style and high-tech context affect our relationships and our expectations for its management?

Review

How does the analytic style and high-tech context affect our relationships and our expectations for its management?